There are so many wondrous reasons why we should elect Hillary Rodham Clinton to be the 45th President of the Republic of the United States of America, that I am somehow left with the feeling I could never give Justice its due with regard to this weighty subject. However, I shall endeavor to gently unmask the horrid creature which some might consider to be the unknown, and I’ll do it in as brief a fashion as possible; it’ll be kind of like pulling a Band-Aid off as fast as you can so it hurts less.
After all, isn’t to know Hillary, to love her? Over these great many, many years, Hillary’s antics have entertained and distracted us from the day-to-day mundanity of our dreary workaday lives. How unreasonable it would be for us, if we were to even consider losing this opportunity to immerse ourselves in the radiating ambiance of that which is Hillary.
Who could possibly lead our great nation to the ethereal heights of our imaginations better than her? Hillary’s past accomplishments alone serve as witnesses to her ethical standards. Shouldn’t we relish every occasion Fortune favors us with to be able to gaze our eyes at the opulent spectacle of her appearances? And would our ears be content if we were unable to listen to her tall tales as we learn from her discreet sense of intelect which slowly oozes out from her gray matter? (And I do mean her brain, not her hair.) How can we as Americans possibly believe that we could ever withstand the vacuum of Hillary’s greatness? To think, the day might actually come when we will finally have a Madam in the White House, and this time one who is the President of the United States of America! What can I say other than the thought makes me feel like a school boy again, in fact I’m almost giddy! Dare I say, dethrone the queen and roll out the red carpet for Madam Clinton?
What could possibly make anyone want to focus on the trail of tears Hillary has left behind her? Wouldn’t it be more fair to view them as mere trinkets which any witch might pull out of one pocket or another from within her black cloak? Or maybe we should read her exceedingly great number of years as an epic novel of unwise and incredible feats of disaster?
Does it matter that Hillary proudly and viciously attacks the victim in the defense of her rapist? Of course not. So, what is it that would make any of us think that a steady stream of bodies along side a trickle of white-washed water is any indication of impropriety? That just shows she’s a people person. But let’s not forget, Bill is a people person too and they’re a team, so – rah rah sis boom bah! And how could it be possible that Hillary won’t be able to reach the stars with all of the experience she acquired during the travelgate affair? Remember, she waved her magic wand as she did great wonders. Yes, she magically made things disappear, in this case it was the staff of the White House travel office and I would like to add that Hillary did it with the usual Clinton panache we have all come to know and love (1).
I shudder to think of the ease and efficiency it would bring to Hillary by having her own private server right there in the White House. But wouldn’t that save everyone a lot of time and effort? After all, time-wasting, silly questions should only be asked to silly people, but definitely not to our esteemed President Hopeful. What business of ours could it possibly be whether or not Hillary has information in her home that is considered so Top Secret, that Congress can’t even know about it? The idea that we should know the truth is so ridiculous, it’s a certainty that even the mere thought of such a thing should be considered more than just an inappropriate faux pas.
Please calm down everyone, all is well. There’s no need to panic and call the FBI. Hillary’s server is tucked safely away in her closet right behind her mules and a half-gallon bottle of gin. Relax, it’s just not possible for the national security of the United States to have been compromised. But to the naysayers out there I would like to offer, “Oh what difference does it make anyway, it was only highly classified information and it was so long ago. There’s nothing to see here, move along….”
Are you starting to see how it would be so much more convenient for Hillary if a bejeweled coronal were placed upon her head? Fortunately, it’s difficult for my eyes to envision our very own Arkansas razorback, el Presidente Hillary, as she sits on her throne in her double-layered blue pant suit, while she waves her sceptre to and fro. Oh what a sight that would be! And if Hillary is going to live in the White House again, who knows, maybe this time she will don a trendy new designer burqa and redecorate the Oval Office to look like the inside of Muammar Qaddafi’s tent. She could undoubtedly find a few old goats wandering around the White House somewhere, just to give the place that little extra touch of authenticity, not to mention how it would complete the harmonizing feng shui vibe of the room.
Oh, I almost forgot to mention how slick it would be if Hillary could just slide Bill right into the United Nations as the American Ambassador – I suppose it would be called A.A. in Bill’s case. He could have some serious fun there boy! Go ahead and laugh, but I’ll bet you Billy boy is ready and rarin’ to go! I’ll even bet you that he’s already got a six-pack of Billy Beer coolin’ off in the creek out back behind the still! Ah, it’ll be almost like old times again when Bill and Hill are back in the House. But this time, Hillary with her seemingly endless number of years behind her, will be the one who is sitting in that extra-wide chair behind the big desk in the Oval Office and I might add, doing who knows what?
(1) The Atlantic; From Whitewater to Benghazi: A Clinton Scandal Primer: At least 22 emails on Hillary Clinton’s private server contain top-secret information, the State Department acknowledged on January 29, David A. Graham. January 29, 2016
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